Life · Relationships · Single life

Let it all out, honey

The struggle is so real today. I am trying to get back into the groove of things after spending the weekend with my awesome family/getting over a weird 24 hour exhaustion bug. My big bro is a basketball coach so I went down to SC to watch his last home game/see my parents/spend time with my bro, SIL and nephew. It was seriously the best weekend I have had in a long time. My family rocks.

It’s important to note that I do not live close to my family. It was a four hour drive to get to my brother’s house on Friday and that drive never gets easier. The drive down is always so fun because there is so much excitement but I always find myself in this weird/sad head space while driving back to my home. I can normally snap myself out the sad head space after hour 1 thanks to some Beyonce or a podcast but this trip was different.

Do you ever find yourself in this never ending thought cycle of “wtf am I doing with my life?” I have honestly been in this head space for weeks now and the thoughts are varying. Sometimes it is about relationships, dating, money, or my career. Sometimes it is all the above. Recently I found myself spiraling down this dark hole of “OMG I AM GOING TO BE ALONE. FOREVER.” I literally had the thought of being surrounded by my family and their families and single Aunt C. Living alone. Does anyone else have these thoughts?

Sometimes I honestly don’t know if I will ever experience love the way that I used to because I am so jaded by everything that happened last year. I went through TWO break-ups in one year. Two SERIOUS break-ups. I would be lying if I said that did not mess with me. There was one night last summer where I met one of my closest guy friends, Tater (his nickname for the blog and in real life. Best nickname ever), for dinner and drinks as a goodbye to him getting orders to a USMC base in VA.  After spending the evening with him, I drove home and sat in the driveway just sobbing while listening to Adele. I know that sounds so lame but it was one of those cries where it physically hurt to cry because I needed to let all these emotions out. I was cheated on by someone who I thought was my forever (X). I was only a week into my break-up from Narcy. Tater who was my constant throughout all the chaos was moving away. It was A LOT of change all at once and I just broke down. Honestly, that STILL happens. I am such a suppressor of my feelings that I just push it down further and further and never really deal with things that have happened. I am strong. I know this but we all have our weak moments. I cannot listen to “All I Ask” by Adele if I even feel slightly sad because it takes me back to that night of pure pain.

I am not the best at verbalizing these thoughts and really working through them so writing this out now is really tough. Honestly, I have been struggling recently. There is so much confusion in my life and I am unsure how to process all of it. Ever since I cut X and Cop out of my life and let Narcy back in, I feel like I am in this weird cycle. This time last year was when I met Narcy so the timing is so incredibly interesting to me. I promise I will talk about Narcy soon.

It’s also really challenging to not play the comparison game with your girlfriends. When you are the only single friend with no serious contenders, it is hard to accept that this is where you are supposed to be in life right now. THAT is a huge thing to accept and honor and embrace. I am NOT bitter towards any of my friends that are in relationships. I want to make that very clear. But in order for me to find peace and happiness, I have to accept where I am. I have to accept what is happening and I have to accept that things are happening for a reason. Yes, I pulled a cliche line out on you but I am a firm believer in that saying. Timing is everything.

I should be damn proud of myself because a lot has happened over the last year and I am stronger than ever because of it. I have finally reached the point that if you do not bring joy to my life, you’re not going to be in it. It’s as simple as that. I am tired of feeling uncomfortable. I am tired of feeling like I stretch myself so thin to appease everyone but myself. Change is inevitable and I am in a major transitional phase right now.

I have some questions that I am generally interested in feedback on: Why do we tend to play the comparison game? Is it because of social media and the facade that people tend to put on with their pages? Do you spiral down a single struggles black hole, too? Don’t even get me started on my social media rant but I think it is important that we recognize how people only put the good things happening to them on Facebook. We are all guilty of it. When you see the super happy couple doing random things or always looking so damn cheerful, remember that you only see the good and to not get fixated on that.

Part of the reason why I wanted to start this blog was to start the single conversation that I NEVER see on any blogs. No offense to all the successful lifestyle bloggers out there but every single of one of you is married or engaged. What about us single chicks navigating the world on our own? Let’s embrace the YOU GO GIRL moments, let’s talk about the shitty ones, let’s discuss anything and everything about dating. Most importantly, let’s be HONEST.

Sorry not sorry for the deep-ish post. I think it is important that we start talking about these things because I feel like more of us have these thoughts than not. I really hope you reach out to me with some answers/comments/concerns/questions… anything!! I would love nothing more than to start a therapeutic dialogue for all of us!

xoxo- C


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