Ok… I understand that the title probably made you think that this post will be me (the single chick) bashing Valentine’s Day. Well, you’re right. Kinda. I am not bashing the holiday because I am single. No, no. I am bashing the holiday because it is literally the worst holiday. Why on earth do you need an overly marketed holiday to show your S.O. (significant other) how much you appreciate them? Pah-lease.
I have never liked Valentine’s Day. Ok… that’s a lie. One time when I was in the first grade, my parents got me the Valentine’s Day themed Barbie. THAT was the best Valentine’s Day. Do you remember Valentine’s Day in Elementary School? Your teacher had the class create your own personalized valentines pouch to put on the front of your desk so your classmates could drop off their valentines day cards. But let’s not forget that as cool as the pouches were, the kids in your class (or at least mine) distributed some really shitty candy. WHY ARE CANDY HEARTS A THING? Stop trying to make candy hearts happen. It’s not going to happen.
I am not writing this post to drum up my hidden emotions about shitty valentines candy when I was 10. I am writing this post to share my hilarious history of Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day 2009
Like I said, I have never liked the holiday and honestly no one will ever change that. It’s just me. But I thought I would mayyybe enjoy it more during my freshman year in college because I was ‘soooooooo in looooooove’ with my boyfriend. My first two years of college I played volleyball at a small D2 school. I met both of my college boyfriends there LOL. HIIIII if you’re reading this. Anyways, Boyfriend #1 was on the football team and I was smitten. I thought I was so cool to be dating the starting Safety on the football team. We definitely had a lot of chemistry but it was your typical 18-19 year old ‘in love’ scenario. Jealousy. Controlling. Possessive. Passion. Remember those days?! So Valentine’s Day 2009 was coming up and I was so pumped to make plans. We both were in our spring seasons so our schedules were a little more flexible. We decided to do the typical thing of going out to a nice dinner/exchanging gifts. I already had his gifts wrapped and was so excited for our date night when the flu hit me. It hit me HARD. Hard enough to where my parents had to come get me and take me home. I was so beside myself that I was not spending Valentine’s Day with “the love of my life”. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Pause… ok I’m good. Anyways, I had my parents take me back the day after Valentine’s Day so I could be with Boyfriend #1 even though I definitely was not doing any better. Also… #tbt to staying over night with your college boyfriend in Twin XL dorm beds. LOL at that.
Valentine’s Day 2010
Boyfriend #1 and I had a tumultuous breakup Christmas 2009 (definitely for the best). Enter Boyfriend #2. BF#2 was on the baseball team. Remember that time I told you I was into athletes? I ain’t lying to you about that! I started dating Boyfriend #2 almost immediately after breaking up with Boyfriend #1. He was super fun but we had MAJOR issues. He was very manipulative and verbally abusive but I was ‘soooooooo in looooooove’. Fast forward to Valentine’s Day 2010. Guess what? I got sick. AGAIN. Viral infection. Strep throat. Good times. After spring semester of 2010, I transferred to a different school across the state. BF#2 and I tried to make it work over the summer but it wasn’t happening. He dumped me on the day I was moving to my new school/city. I was crying so hard at lunch that I could not eat my burger. My poor Dad and brothers. They literally had no idea what to do with my emotional self but let’s be real, that’s been the story of my entire life.
Valentine’s Day 2011
no boyfriend. not sick
Valentine’s Day 2012
I was seeing one of the basketball players at the time and guess what? I was sick with the flu over V-Day. Again. LOLOL. See my trend here??
Valentine’s Day 2013-2014
no boyfriend. not sick.
Valentine’s Day 2015
I was a couple months in to dating this guy who was a Marine. We had a lot of fun together and he was super pumped about Valentine’s Day. We all know how I feel about this holiday. He was so excited to give me gifts and to take me out to dinner buuuuut guess what? I got food poisoning!! Two days before V-day I was super, super sick. Fast forward two months later and I got dumped.
Valentine’s Day 2016
no boyfriend. (well me and X were attempting to rekindle). not sick. but let’s be real. I probably should have been to save me some time. #harsh #spittingthetruth
I’m sorry but the last seven years of V-Day’s for me is HILARIOUS. Let’s recap. Every year I have had a boyfriend, I have been sick. LIKE WTF AND LOL all at the same time. I think about this every year on V-Day and I am like this was a sign that I was not with the right person, right? Like what a hilarious omen!
It’s looking like I am on the track for zero sickness again this year and I am all about that life.
To my future boyfriends on V-Day: if you make me sick, I’m probably going to dump you. BBBYYYEEEEE.
But to the lucky one that does not, let’s do this thing. Until next time…